Behind the 8-Ball

So, apparently I should have a nursery done, furniture ordered, stroller ordered, etc.

What have I done thus far to ready the world for Thing 1 and Thing 2? Well, I ran screaming out of a Moms of Multiples sale a couple weeks ago (true story) when I realized I didn't know the difference between ANYTHING baby-related. I also stalked a mother of infant twins in the grocery store and accidentally vandalize a stroller at Target while trying to figure out if it took 2 infant seats. I already feel like a complete failure in the maternal department.

I don't even eat well or exercise....Huh.... FAIL

But I did give into the pressure and after much internet-shoppage decided on a stroller (I think)

Behold! The Kolcraft Contours Something or Other!Apparently, all twin stroller weigh about a ton, which is fine. I'll pant and sweat all over my offspring in the name of good mothering and postnatal weightloss.

I'm Going to Cut a B*tch

...if I don't get a McDonald's quarter pounder soon. (I usually think McDonald's is gross to provide a little pre-hormone storm perspective)

But there's a chance I'm going to fall asleep before the cheeseburger can become a reality....

16 Weeks!...AND a Picture!

So, I'm posting my FIRST Belly Picture! Also known as the first of many pictures that will make you feel beautiful in comparison to my pregnant non-glow. I realize this is a complete disservice to all family members and the Babies Hanlon, but my time machine broke. Oh well.... Also, you may THINK I'm sticking out my belly, but this is actually an optical illusion. My behind has grown at almost the same rate as the belly! You can call me Booty Back Front.


How far along? 16 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: + A lot. Those men could carry me on their heads during "The Strongest Man" competitions. Right after they roll a semi-truck tire...
Maternity clothes? All maternity pants and my FIRST REAL Maternity Shirt! Woot!
Stretch marks? Still none! Triumph!
Sleep: See story below. Much improved!
Movement: i think i felt a baby move this week...
Food cravings: Anything you're eating looks good. Do you want that?
Gender: Still unknown and it will be for the next 10 days...le sigh...
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Bending over like a normal person. Getting up from sitting like a normal person.
What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound (moved to 9/2- Bah!)

Milestones: Thinking I felt a baby move! Maybe! (But I still think it could've been gas)

Updates from the Past 5 Days!

These are things that won't fit in my weekly updates and since I've sucked so hard at doing those lately, this is a little addendum. And for realz, I got all confused writing my 15 week update when I'm almost at 16 weeks. = My punishment for being a slack ass

* I GOT STUCK IN THE BED. Wednesday night I got stuck on my right side. I've been waking up multiple times a night when my sides hurt and then I roll over until I wake up cause that side hurts like a b*tch. But not so, Wednesday. I woke up cause my right side hurt like a mother and I couldn't.move. If I tried to roll forward or backward it felt like my ute was going to tear apart. So, my whimpering woke up B who was like, "What the??" And I cried, "I can't move...boo hoo" (only in a really sad, pathetic, sleep voice). So B had to lift me up and flip me over. Which then woke up the dog who decided he needed to go out. Moral of the story- We bought a memory foam topper that very night. Yay!

* MY FAMILY CAME IN TOWN. My dad hasn't seen me since I got KTFU and mom hasn't seen me for 6 weeks. There was much oohing and aahing over my wondrous belly. Of additional note was my dad reading our ultrasound pictures like they were Rorschach ink blots or tea leaves. "Baby B is a genius, I can tell. And Baby A is calm and looks like you. He has your cheekbones." Um....okay, Crazy. Now read my palm!

* AAAAND.......i think i felt a baby move this week... i'm not sure... it may have been gas, but i'm hoping...Shhhhh

15 Weeks!

Also known as- I suck at Blogging

So we're less than 24 hours away from 16 weeks and I still haven't written about Week 15. Plus, not a single bump picture has been taken to document my wondrous fertile journey. Bah! 50 lashings for me!

How far along? 15 weeks (and 5 days!)
Total weight gain/loss: I'm gauging my weight by the stars like the sailors of yore. I guess I am up 20 stone.
Maternity clothes? All maternity pants all the time! Too bad I'm a total shorty and they flop all over the floor. Pretty soon I'll look like a castaway with my raw pant hems.
Stretch marks? Not yet. So far the pregnant belly oil, courtesy of my friend, Melinda, rules! On a side note- my belly is the only part of my body NOT dry and flaking like a pastry. Gross, but true....Apparently pregnancy makes your skin crazy dry? *
Sleep: Sucks a big one! My bed completely sucks!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Still beef! Salty ground beef to be specific!
Gender: I still suspect one of each!
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: SUSHI!
What I am looking forward to: Seeing my parents this week (FYI- They came in last Wednesday, but I'm writing this like it was last Monday)

Milestones: People commenting on my cute pregnancy belly. Plus, feeling like I can flaunt it. I am totally whoring out this bump.

* BE WARNED, NASTY STORY COMING: This makes me think of a story I heard about a health nurse peeling her feet and eating the DEAD SKIN at work! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

14 Weeks (ahem..and 3 days)

I AM A SLACKASS

Actually, that's not true. I've just been a blogging slackass. After getting back from vacation at midnight on Saturday, I've been working almost non-stop. Non-stop working = suck = no blogging. Sorry folks!

So, here is your kick-ass 14 week update!

How far along? 14 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: My scale went out for icecream and isn't coming back
Maternity clothes? I bought my first pair of maternity pants! But this made me realize I need ALL maternity pants. I have been wearing them all week and after squeezing my fat ass into regular pants I'm sure I'm going to Incredible Hulk my way right out of them!
Stretch marks? Not yet. I'm rubbing this lovely pregnant belly oil all over every night.
Sleep: One thing I loved about vacation was napping every.day. But our crap mattress is starting to kill me so the sleep has been suffering. I'm like the Princess in the Pea
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Beef!
Gender: I have a feeling we're having a boy and a girl
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Having a cocktail on a patio, peeing a gallon of urine at one time
What I am looking forward to: Ultrasound 2 weeks away!

Milestones: "Popping." I went by a mirror and was like, "Woah! I've got a pregnant woman's belly!" It was totally kick-ass.