The Bella's Band Fatal Flaw

...is that it accomodates a growing belly. It does NOT accomodate my growing ass or thunder thighs. Thundah thundah thighs.

Thus, it is almost completely worthless. Worth.less. Damn. Pretty soon I'm going to be naked all the time.

11 Weeks!

So, I'm still getting up the nerve to post a picture. This is for the following reasons:

1. I'm vain as Hell
2. I look like Hell

So, I've been suffering from Bad Hair for approximately 15 months. I have gone through 2 hair stylist break-ups in the past year resulting from (1) multiple "mom" haircuts from my previously fave stylist- I was in denial and (2) a stylist who stared at himself in the mirror the whole time he was cutting my hair. Result= Fugly Ass Hair for 15 Months.

I've also got the worst combo of old lady (Wrinkles! Fuck!) and adolescent (Acne! Fuck!) skin.

Did I mention none of my clothes fit right? Oh, and I need a new bra like Lindsey Lohan needs rehab. BAD. The renaissance festival is in town and I could totally get a job as one of their wenchy people. The cups floweth over.

Oh, and I'm carrying these babies in my face, ass, calves, and arms. I look like the pilsbury dough boy.

How far along? 11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Mysterious. Avoiding the scale like the plague. But I bet each of my boobs has gained 5 pounds
Maternity clothes? Friday the Bella Band knock-off became a reality. So far my review is "meh."
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: I heart naps for evah
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Anything not tied down. I wasn't craving it, but I had a piece of cake at work. HEAVEN!!!
Gender: Still a mystery!
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Pooping
What I am looking forward to: Ultrasound on Thursday!!!

Milestones: Having my clothes officially NOT FIT.And getting belly rubs!

Head Wound Baby

When I was in high school, my BFF and I had a little convo about the newly popular baby headband. Seen below:



In essence, we came to the conclusion that these little fashion contraptions meant to signal your baby's awesome fashionista qualities actually looked like head wound wraps (seen below):


(Poor doggy). This little observation has forever been seared on my brain. So whenever I see a little bald baby sportin one of those head wraps I always think, "Aw, poor little head wound baby..."

Now, I'm not promising I won't stick one of those suckers on my baby (or babies) if one or both end up with lady bits. Hell, I'm not even above sticking it on my male baby if he tells me he was born into the wrong body and wants to be called Jackie instead of Jack (of course, this would be awfully advanced for a bald baby of minus 12 months but my children will be GIFTED G-DAMMIT!). Of course, it's hard to say definitively what you will and will not do as a parent until it happens. But until then, I'm going to look at your baby's head and think, "Aw, poor little head wound baby."

Wanna Touch It?

I got 2.... yes 2 unsolicited belly rubs yesterday.

To clarify, these belly fetished peeps were not the strange guy at the deli counter ordering his pound of Gouda cheese, these were co-workers. Very nice people. And it was... SHOCKING! Hello? I'm only 10 weeks and I just look like I have a beer belly. Mmmm....I wanna rub your beer belly....

Both people said, "Oops. I should've asked you before I did that."

Here's the thing- Once I got past the shock, I effing loved it. I really, truly felt pregnant. People don't rub bellies unless there's a baby in there and it.happened.to.me. Fuck yeah! I am a sacred vessel, People. Wanna rub my vessel?

Don't Read This if You're Easily Offended

I can't poop. It's hell on wheels.

The shitting mechanism has been replaced by god awful cramps that feel like I'm being torn in two.

Also, I'm writing this entry from the toilet...where I've been sitting for almost 30 minutes. If things don't start moving, I'm going to end up with a summer home in here.

10 Weeks!

Wow! 2 updates back-to-back! Yeah...I suck. I'm trying to girt up my loins (ahem, my ballz) into posting a picture. The truth is, my mom took a picture of my last week to show my Dad (he has been BELLY OBSESSED!). His response: "You don't look pregnant. Definitely chubbier, like your body is getting ready to have a baby." Uh....thanks, Dad. How bout a little solidarity?

How far along? 10 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +7 pounds (WTF?! 2 pounds gained in 1 week!)
Maternity clothes? This is my one triumph! NOPE! But I need maternity panties for realz. These regular panties are hell on my body.
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: This was one sleep heavy week! Turn your back for a second and it was almost a guarantee I'd be snoozing away.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Fruit! I think my body is donezo with the unhealthy food and wants something real.
Gender: Nobody Knows
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Sitting on a patio drinking a beer... I did this sans beer on Friday. Not.The.Same.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sexes. Only 8 more weeks! Jesus...that's a long effing time...
Weekly Wisdom: If you feel tired, sleep. Unless you're in a meeting with the VP of your company, then suffer.

Milestones: LOTS! Going to our new doc! LOVE HIM! Seeing Baby B wave during our external ultrasound! Hearing 2 strong heartbeats on the external! Finding out our miscarriage rate is BELOW 5%!!!

9 Weeks (1 Week Late)

Yeah, I suck at the blogosphere responsibilities this week. So you special peeps get to hear about Week 9 AND Week 10 back to back. The tricky thing is going to be getting this pregnant brain to remember the differences....

How far along? 9 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +5 pounds
Maternity clothes? Nope. Just my fat clothes. I bought a bella band knock-off but I'm holding out one week before putting that sucker on (if I can)
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: I fall asleep like a champ and wake up early to pee EVERY.DAY (this makes me feel like my mother)
Best moment this week: Having my mom there to see the babies in their ultrasound. And finding out Baby A had a healthy heartbeat after that hack of an ultrasound tech told us it was only 120. Bitch...
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Not really. But I'm still eating like I'm on vacation. Get me a burrito!
Gender: Nobody Knows
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Being able to hang like a regular person. Instead, my idea of a wild and crazy day is a nap followed by several hours on the couch. Sorry Mom for the lamest visit you've ever had!
What I am looking forward to: Going to my new doctor!
Weekly Wisdom: It's good to have Mom in town to take care of you when you're pregnant and too tired to scratch your butt.

Milestones: Having people tell me I'm showing. This is both horrifying and exhilarating when you are THIS early in your pregnancy.