Watch out Beachgoers

This whale-woman is coming your way! I will be in the non-internetstratosphere for 1 week (yikes!). But when I get back, get ready for tales of a round, cellulitey woman terrorizing eastcoast beach bunnies.

ps.- Swimsuit shopping when you're 3 months pregnant is a really, really stupid thing to do.
pps.- I will be thinking of you and hoping for good things.

12 Weeks!

So I'm going to bite the bullet and post a picture (as soon as B gets home and can take one)

How far along? 12 weeks! Holler!
Total weight gain/loss: Up about 7 pounds. Yowsers!
Maternity clothes? My Bella Band has gone missing so I'm walking around with the old rubber-band-through-the hole. It actually works really well!
Stretch marks? Not yet!
Sleep: Can't get enough!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Not really. Although strawberries and sausage sound really good right now! Yum!... Eaten in sequence, not together...
Gender: Brand unknown
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Having clothes that fit
What I am looking forward to: Looking pregnant instead of looking fat and unfortunate

Milestones: Our babies have faces! And look like babies!

Oh, burritos sound good right about now, too.... Hm..

And heeeeere are our unborn offspring! Complete with facial features!!!

I'm a hillbilly, so I can't figure out how to label the pictures or even get them to upload right side up.


On the left, you'll see Baby B's noggin and Baby A. That thing by his/her head is NOT a boy part, like my friend asked the other night (REALLY???) and is not an indication that I am giving birth to a unicorn. Baby A kept trying to suck its thumb, so that's a hand you see there.





On the right is Baby B up close and personal. Baby B was moving around a lot, which was super fun to watch!
Man, that's a big head.
Oh, and when I sent this picture to my parents, my dad said,
"He looks like you!" Um....okay Crazy.

The Bella's Band Fatal Flaw

...is that it accomodates a growing belly. It does NOT accomodate my growing ass or thunder thighs. Thundah thundah thighs.

Thus, it is almost completely worthless. Worth.less. Damn. Pretty soon I'm going to be naked all the time.

11 Weeks!

So, I'm still getting up the nerve to post a picture. This is for the following reasons:

1. I'm vain as Hell
2. I look like Hell

So, I've been suffering from Bad Hair for approximately 15 months. I have gone through 2 hair stylist break-ups in the past year resulting from (1) multiple "mom" haircuts from my previously fave stylist- I was in denial and (2) a stylist who stared at himself in the mirror the whole time he was cutting my hair. Result= Fugly Ass Hair for 15 Months.

I've also got the worst combo of old lady (Wrinkles! Fuck!) and adolescent (Acne! Fuck!) skin.

Did I mention none of my clothes fit right? Oh, and I need a new bra like Lindsey Lohan needs rehab. BAD. The renaissance festival is in town and I could totally get a job as one of their wenchy people. The cups floweth over.

Oh, and I'm carrying these babies in my face, ass, calves, and arms. I look like the pilsbury dough boy.

How far along? 11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Mysterious. Avoiding the scale like the plague. But I bet each of my boobs has gained 5 pounds
Maternity clothes? Friday the Bella Band knock-off became a reality. So far my review is "meh."
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: I heart naps for evah
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Anything not tied down. I wasn't craving it, but I had a piece of cake at work. HEAVEN!!!
Gender: Still a mystery!
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Pooping
What I am looking forward to: Ultrasound on Thursday!!!

Milestones: Having my clothes officially NOT FIT.And getting belly rubs!

Head Wound Baby

When I was in high school, my BFF and I had a little convo about the newly popular baby headband. Seen below:



In essence, we came to the conclusion that these little fashion contraptions meant to signal your baby's awesome fashionista qualities actually looked like head wound wraps (seen below):


(Poor doggy). This little observation has forever been seared on my brain. So whenever I see a little bald baby sportin one of those head wraps I always think, "Aw, poor little head wound baby..."

Now, I'm not promising I won't stick one of those suckers on my baby (or babies) if one or both end up with lady bits. Hell, I'm not even above sticking it on my male baby if he tells me he was born into the wrong body and wants to be called Jackie instead of Jack (of course, this would be awfully advanced for a bald baby of minus 12 months but my children will be GIFTED G-DAMMIT!). Of course, it's hard to say definitively what you will and will not do as a parent until it happens. But until then, I'm going to look at your baby's head and think, "Aw, poor little head wound baby."

Wanna Touch It?

I got 2.... yes 2 unsolicited belly rubs yesterday.

To clarify, these belly fetished peeps were not the strange guy at the deli counter ordering his pound of Gouda cheese, these were co-workers. Very nice people. And it was... SHOCKING! Hello? I'm only 10 weeks and I just look like I have a beer belly. Mmmm....I wanna rub your beer belly....

Both people said, "Oops. I should've asked you before I did that."

Here's the thing- Once I got past the shock, I effing loved it. I really, truly felt pregnant. People don't rub bellies unless there's a baby in there and it.happened.to.me. Fuck yeah! I am a sacred vessel, People. Wanna rub my vessel?

Don't Read This if You're Easily Offended

I can't poop. It's hell on wheels.

The shitting mechanism has been replaced by god awful cramps that feel like I'm being torn in two.

Also, I'm writing this entry from the toilet...where I've been sitting for almost 30 minutes. If things don't start moving, I'm going to end up with a summer home in here.

10 Weeks!

Wow! 2 updates back-to-back! Yeah...I suck. I'm trying to girt up my loins (ahem, my ballz) into posting a picture. The truth is, my mom took a picture of my last week to show my Dad (he has been BELLY OBSESSED!). His response: "You don't look pregnant. Definitely chubbier, like your body is getting ready to have a baby." Uh....thanks, Dad. How bout a little solidarity?

How far along? 10 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +7 pounds (WTF?! 2 pounds gained in 1 week!)
Maternity clothes? This is my one triumph! NOPE! But I need maternity panties for realz. These regular panties are hell on my body.
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: This was one sleep heavy week! Turn your back for a second and it was almost a guarantee I'd be snoozing away.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Fruit! I think my body is donezo with the unhealthy food and wants something real.
Gender: Nobody Knows
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Sitting on a patio drinking a beer... I did this sans beer on Friday. Not.The.Same.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sexes. Only 8 more weeks! Jesus...that's a long effing time...
Weekly Wisdom: If you feel tired, sleep. Unless you're in a meeting with the VP of your company, then suffer.

Milestones: LOTS! Going to our new doc! LOVE HIM! Seeing Baby B wave during our external ultrasound! Hearing 2 strong heartbeats on the external! Finding out our miscarriage rate is BELOW 5%!!!

9 Weeks (1 Week Late)

Yeah, I suck at the blogosphere responsibilities this week. So you special peeps get to hear about Week 9 AND Week 10 back to back. The tricky thing is going to be getting this pregnant brain to remember the differences....

How far along? 9 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +5 pounds
Maternity clothes? Nope. Just my fat clothes. I bought a bella band knock-off but I'm holding out one week before putting that sucker on (if I can)
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: I fall asleep like a champ and wake up early to pee EVERY.DAY (this makes me feel like my mother)
Best moment this week: Having my mom there to see the babies in their ultrasound. And finding out Baby A had a healthy heartbeat after that hack of an ultrasound tech told us it was only 120. Bitch...
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Not really. But I'm still eating like I'm on vacation. Get me a burrito!
Gender: Nobody Knows
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Being able to hang like a regular person. Instead, my idea of a wild and crazy day is a nap followed by several hours on the couch. Sorry Mom for the lamest visit you've ever had!
What I am looking forward to: Going to my new doctor!
Weekly Wisdom: It's good to have Mom in town to take care of you when you're pregnant and too tired to scratch your butt.

Milestones: Having people tell me I'm showing. This is both horrifying and exhilarating when you are THIS early in your pregnancy.

Scary Doctor's Visit

So we had our second ultrasound yesterday. I was so much more relaxed this time, joking with B & Mom in the waiting room. Then we rolled all casual Entourage-Style into the ultrasound room to see how our progeny, Babies A & B, had grown over the last 13 days.

Baby A- Looked like a Gingerbread Man holding a balloon (or sperm if you think like that... which you know I totally do). Heartbeat came in at a whopping 120, which was a surprise but whatev.










Baby B- Looked like a wad of chewing gum I pulled out of my hair when I was in kindergarten and this girl who didn't like me put it there (SO upsetting!!- The gum incident, not Baby B's blobby appearance). Baby B was rocking it out in my ute. He/She had a heartrate of 171!!! Holy Richard Simmons!


ps. These pictures SUCK b/c we're hillbillies and we don't have a scanner.



Then the Physician's Assistant (who I usually LOVE) came in and pooped on us. She may as well have laid a hot steamy turd in the middle of the room and said, "This is for you!" She said she was concerned about Baby A's low heart rate and it should be in the 140's at the very least. So she wanted to see me back in a week but she would be crossing her fingers and toes for me. Gee...thanks.

So we put on a brave face and grab lunch but we're all simmering with worry. Our little gingerbread baby is either Bob Marley Mellow or has some serious issues....

And then I get a voicemail from the Physician's Assistant. Baby's A heart rate was calculated incorrectly. It was actually 152. 152!!! So, I have officially graduated from the RE. Our babes are on-point. Turd retracted.