Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ode to Facebook

Also Known As: I Failed Poetry 


Thou art the booger in the nose of the internet
With your promise of smug satisfaction

Seeing pictures of those who peeked in high school
Rejected me in high school
Because I was Queen of Wannabe's in high school

Lost their hair, their wives, their self-respect, and....hygiene?
But found Jesus and a few Hundred(?) pounds of weight
Still living with their parents

Your promise of schadenfreude in ex-boyfriends
Lamenting their single status in updates*  
Sporting a few Hundred(?) pounds of weight
And tragic shirts I helped pick out in the 90s (?!)
Working at Chik-Fil-A**

While I posted my hawt wedding pictures
My professional success
And smug updates

Oh Facebook, you Turncoat

With your ultrasound pictures
Newborn pictures
Baby pictures
Status updates recording
Shopping for Maternity Clothes
Cervical Dilations
Baby Weights, Lengths, Names, Times Born

Friends on Babies Number 

When did I leave the land of Smug and join the Tragic Parade?
I hate facebook

* Bwahahahaha!
** I effing love their waffle fries. No wonder you are 200 pounds heavier now.  Who could resist???


  1. Did we go to the same high school? The majority of my classmates have either served jail time or earn a living by selling Metabolife out of a cart in the mall. And not the good mall, either.

    I was named one of the three most successful people in my graduating class. The other two? An attorney and a guy who played "corpse #3" on an episode of "Law & Order".

    I don't get too much baby news in my news feed, though I recently had to hide a co-worker whose status updates are always along the lines of "I'm SOOOOOO tired" or "What have I gotten myself into?!" Spare me.

    For the most part, it doesn't bother me too much, I guess. It depends on the day and what kind of mood I'm in. I'd like to think that I'll be just as obnoxious when it's (finally) my turn. We'll get out chance, my friend. It may take us a while, but we'll get there.

  2. I've tried to get into the whole facebook thing, but it's so bizarre! Why do people ask you to be their friend then never speak to you??? Just to see your pictures, I suppose.

    I haven't ever asked anyone to be my friend, it's too...needy or something.

    Glad to see someone else feels the same :)

    Found you on sits!