30 Weeks!

and 100 pounds later.... Okay, so maybe I'm prone to exaggeration, but everything on my person looks larger than life these days. The face, buttocks, thighs- big, bigger, and biggest. I think my jaw line is being kidnapped by pregnancy fatness. But I won't freak until I start developing stretch marks on my face. And why does my ass look like it's the same size as my monstrous belly? I demand an explanation!

Oh, and I think we may need to rethink the timing of my shower. This picture is shower- and makeup-free. Um, yeah...you almost got a headless belly picture this week. The Man Face is out in all its pregnant glory today!

How far along? 30 Weeks! Fuck yeah!
Total weight gain/loss: Saturday I was up 42 pounds. What happened to one pound/week in the third trimester???? I blame holiday overindulgence. Damn you pumpkin pie....
Maternity clothes? I'm pretty much in pajamas all day. See manly pudge picture for reference.
Stretch marks? This is my one redeeming, shining glory of vanity. I may have an ass the size of Mount Rushmore, but my belly is smooth and blemish-free
Sleep: Not so good. Some nights are better than others. The other night I could've sworn I had a contraction every time I rolled over. FML.
Movement: A hell of a lot. They actually make my stomach tender from all that punching, kicking, flipping, and tootsy-rolling
Food cravings: Anything at all. If it's close to my mouth, I will devour it in record time. Wait? Was I questioning where all these extra pounds are coming from? Maybe I'm in Grade-A Denial. Like those obese people who haven't been out of bed in years and swear they're eating healthy when in fact they just inhaled 5 Big Macs in a single breath.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: Contractions. All.the.time. I track them and I usually fall at 2-4 hour. When I inch up to 6-7, I pop a pill (Nifedipine for all you medical peeps out there)

What I miss: A lot. Freedom, shaving my own legs, feeling like pregnancy is a magical world of rainbows, puppies, and fertile fairies. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here's an abbreviated list of things I'm grateful for: I'm thankful for being pregnancy each day, my kick-ass husband, ridiculously amazing friends, family, and acquaintances (and seriously- I'm a terrible friend in comparison), being home for the holiday, sleeping in my own bed, and cuddling with my puppy.
What I am looking forward to: Getting through tomorrow's doctor's appointment and FFT results without landing my butt back in the hospital (fingers crossed)

Milestones: Getting into the thirties, Staying home for a week without giving birth. (On a side note- they have that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on tv in the hospital. I saw 3, yes 3, stories of women giving birth in the toilet)

Down...But Not Out

So, I've been out of commission for about a week. Allow me to explain-

Last Tuesday (11/17), I had a routine check-in with the doc. They examined my cervix and lo-and-behold, that sucker had shrunken down to 1.4cm and was 1 cm dilated.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

The lovely contraction monitor showed I was booming them out every 5 or so minutes and I had no.effing.clue.

So I was hospitalized. 7 days, 6 nights, 3 IV bags of fluids, numerous crying jags, and one horrible sleepover for B later and I was released. Yesterday, Day 7, they checked my cervix again. No change. And since they weren't giving me meds and I was able to start identifying my own contractions I was paroled.

So, here I am. 29 weeks, 1 day pregnant and at home on bed rest again. And I am scared sh*tless. While they weren't doing much for me at the hospital (no meds, monitoring was down to once a day) that I couldn't do at home, there was a lot of security in having medical staff present. I've been given a prescription for contractions as needed, up to every 4-6 hours. And as much as I like being home with B and as little as they were doing for me, I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake coming home.

I wish I could give more details. And eventually, I might. But this whole shrinking cervix, crazy contractions, and strict bedrest has left me a little listless. So, here's a 29 week update for you. Eventually, when I do my hair and put on makeup I'll take a picture.

How far along? 29 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: I actually don't know. I was up 37 pounds last Tuesday morning (lost 2 pounds in 1 day) and haven't weighed in since
Maternity clothes? Dur
Stretch marks? Still none. I got lots of compliments from the nursing staff.
Sleep: Muh. I had my first Ambien in el hospitolio and it is magical.
Movement: A lot! I'm getting beat up from the inside a little bit.
Food cravings: Anything that is not hospital food. I started to turn into a chicken quesadilla there since it was the only thing that wasn't gross.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: Yep. I love that last week I said none and I was having tons of contractions. I'm down to about 1-3 contractions an hour and the docs say that's good. I'm trying not to obsess about my cervix.

What I miss: Feeling confident about this pregnancy. It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when you're a big ball of freak and every pang must mean imminent disaster.
What I am looking forward to: Getting to Monday and 30 weeks. Having my parents get into town tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Going to my next doctor's appointment in a week.

Milestones: Learning what it's like to be in the hospital. And being in my last twenty-something week. Thirty feels like a big milestone.

28 Weeks!

I would like to dedicate this post to the phlebotomist at my OBGYN. I don't know her name but we have shared some truly intimate moments.

Moment 1- She took about a bucket of blood out of my arm. Said experience gave me a tingly numb feeling in my hand. After flexing my hand for a few second I realized I was fondling her right breast. Whoops.

Moment 2- She sidled up to me in a stool and stuck my knee in her crotch. That's right people, in.her.crotch. I take it the accidental fondling embarrassment did nothing to taint our special relationship.

How far along? 28 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 39 pounds. I would like to say this is due to water-weight but I'm not convinced. Even though I woke up in the middle of the night horrified by the sausage size of my fingers. I swear they weren't like that when I went to sleep. But then I see the size of my ass and I think, "Nah. That's all fat, Baby. All fat."
Maternity clothes? Maternity shmaternity
Stretch marks? Still none. Not even shiny skin
Sleep: The new enemy to my beauty slumber? Heart burn that's as fierce as a thousand firey STDs.
Movement: Yep. Dance babies, dance!
Food cravings: Anything that finds its way into my mouth with minimal effort from me sounds super tasty.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: Not really. Let's hope it stays that way.

What I miss: At the end of last week I would've said being around people but we've had a few visitors recently. Yay!
What I am looking forward to: Getting through another week!

Milestones: Um...passing my glucose test. Yeah...not a lot of impressive milestones to talk about this week.

Update Yo

Bed Rest continues... I believe we're on Day 9. To the left you'll see a picture of my typical view during the day. That's my work laptop and my daytime companion, Noah. He likes to lay across my feet and nap. Isn't he a cutie?!

I am such a freak sometimes. I don't know why I worried about the timing of my glucose beverage. I chugged that container of vile orangeness as I got in the car and the timing was perfect. The doctor got done fiddling around with my lady bits, I got dressed, and voila! The blood lady was right there waiting for me. It was like the planets aligned.

Oh yeah, and it's status quo in Lady Town. Babies look good and there's been no change in the cervix. Which I consider good. I have no expectation of a miraculous cervical recovery. And Doctor Man confirmed my suspicions. I'll be on bed rest until the babies can come out with no worries.

I also had to get a shot. Something to do with preventing my negative-type blood from possibly attacking the babies like a rebel force. And people- this shot (given in my ample posterior) hurt like hell. I couldn't help but think, "If I'm such a pansy that this shot hurts so much, how am I supposed to birth these babies???"

Results of the glucose test? Negatory for the diabeetus. FEED ME COOKIES! But I've got an iron deficiency and have to start taking extra supplements.

And, finally, here are some baby pics that are a week old. B finally figured out how to take the babes didn't look like dark blobs.

The first picture is of our Baby Boy.

He's positioned on the left side of my belly and is head down, facing my belly button.







This picture is of our Baby Girl. She's on the right side of my belly. She's breach and lying in a C-Shape with her back to my right side and facing the middle of my belly.

Project Baby Bake- 1 Week!

So Project Baby Bake has been going for one full week today. I'm celebrating by breaking out of this mo-fo and going for a joy ride! Okay, not really, but I get to leave today and go to the doctor (first time to leave the house in a week!). I'm actually super stoked.

But here is my perplexing situation:

Doctor's appointment at 2:10 to check the lady bits. While I'm there I have to do my glucose tolerance test. Oh yes. That's right. I have reached this seminal point (is seminal an inappropriate word to use here?) in my pregnancy where we have to find out if I have the diabeetus. Sadly, B cooked a bunch of cookies last night and left the remaining few out on the counter. I've had to walk past them every time I go to the bathroom or get something to eat today which has made me call out, "Satan! You tempter of the devil diabeetus! I will thwart thee!" I keep scaring the dog but it's kept me from eating those suckers before my test today.

Oh yeah, so back to my predicament.

I can't figure out when to drink my glucose drink. It says one hour before your test. Well...my doctor's appointment is at 2:10 and I know I'm not supposed to be lolly-gagging around there when we gots to let the cervix nap. So, I'm trying to get this timing thing down and it's not working out so well. Hmmm.. I'll let you know how it turns out.

27 Weeks!

So, you didn't get a 26 week picture. Oops! I think I was so busy digesting bed rest news that taking a picture kept getting the back seat. This week's picture, I'm afraid, is no thing of beauty. It's all grainy and I look like I'm from some horror movie and I'm going to come kill you in your sleep.

But, anyhoo! 27 weeks!

At this point, every day is a victory and every week is a battle won!

How far along? 27 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I'm up 37 pounds. When will I stop gaining weight at an alarming speed? Somebody tell me! But I figure, I've got a lifetime to lose the weight and the babies only have 3 months to gain.
Maternity clothes? All maternity during the day (bed rest gurus say you should get dressed every morning. I think it helps!) and pajama pants & B's t-shirts at night.
Stretch marks? Nope but my skin is looking "shiny." Is "shiny" stretch mark's little brother? I think yes...
Sleep: I'm still having bad hip pain. I think bed rest is making this worse as going for walks was helping this out a lot.
Movement: I think the babes are filming an aerobic video in my ute. And I'm pretty sure I observed my first fetal tussle the other day. All I know is that all hell broke loose around my belly button the other day and it was DEFINITELY coming from both sides.
Food cravings: I just want to eat. I don't care what it is.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: The braxton hixes (is that plural? whatev) have really lightened up. I don't know if my horizontal position is helping out with this or it's the Cramp Bark I'm taking or what. But I like it.

What I miss: Leaving the house, helping around the house, leaving the house, and leaving the house
What I am looking forward to: My doctor's appointment on Thursday. I get to leave the house! Yay!

Milestones: The cribs are assembled! And the babies are about 2 pounds each (Baby Girl is 1lb 14 oz, Baby Boy is 2lb, 1oz)

B's update: So, I figured since I lay around all day, I'd provide a list of things B has done over the week. Here goes: Assembled 2 cribs, put in porch light fixture, installed closet shelves, raked & cleaned the yard, hung living room curtains, cooked, cleaned, and took care of the dog.

Project Baby Bake- Day 3

We're into Day 3 of Project Baby Bake. Here's a quick rundown of the past few days:

Wednesday: Woke up crying, went to work and tele-stalked my doctor until we finally connected at about 4pm. I hollered, "I'm 2 centimeters! Help me!" into the phone. He seemed surprised and said El Doctor Especialto always lets him know when something bad is going down in lady town. Hm...not this time, apparently. He laid out a little sketch of a plan for me-

Bed Rest for a minimum of 2 weeks. No going into work. I'm allowed to go up and down the stairs of our house once/day. I'm allowed to work from home. He would run an FFT on me and if it came back positive, we'd be looking at a little time at el hospitolio.

The rest of Wednesday was spent with me prepping to work from home and crying into the sofa cushions...Yeah...I'm tragic.

Thursday: Day 1 of Project Baby Bake. Not so bad actually. It took me forever to get downstairs and start working because I was terrified I would leave something critical upstairs. B cooked me a huge breakfast and made a ton of hard boiled eggs for me. (FYI- eating 6 eggs in one day when you don't usually do this is HELL on the bowels. Just say no.). Went to the doctor- Valet parking! Holler!- and felt completely vindicated when the ultrasound lady was horrified by El Specialto's lack of response. THANK YOU! FFD test was done. Babies look kick-ass.

Friday: Day 2 of Project Baby Bake. A little less interesting than Thursday. I started to get lonely at about 4pm. Oh, and Bed Rest was interrupted by many bathroom runs thanks to my egg overdose. FFD results came in just under the wire at 4:40pm. NEGATORY! That's right bitchez. There's a 99% chance these babies will be in utero for at least 14 more days.

Today: Day 3. I stayed upstairs in bed for as long as possible since I usually spend the day on the sofa. I decided it was important to take advantage of alternative scenery while it was available. Meanwhile, B is running around like a maniac. So far today he has cooked me breakfast, raked our yard, picked up dog poop, scrubbed the bathroom & kitchen, and left to go to Ace Hardware, the Library, and Target. Ah...my man...

Son of a.....!!!!

So, I know I'm supposed to be writing a 26 week update. Yay! 26 weeks yesterday!!!

Unfortunately, all I can think of is that the bitch known as Bedrest has come to town. And she's a good 9 weeks early.

I just got back from El Doctor Specialisto who was put in charge of examining this little bright spot on Baby Boy's belly identified during my 20 week visit. This, by the way, was completely uneventful and underwhelming. There is nothing special about Baby Boy's belly calcification. What was special is the size of my cervix. 2 centimeters. That's right....2

I'm no dummy. I read other people's blogs. I read blogs of Moms of Multiples and how they're put on strict bedrest when their cervixes are 2.7 and 2.4 centimenters. I would kill for an extra two-fifths of a centimeter right bout now. Mother clucker.

So el doctor specialisto seemed reluctant to put me on bedrest. I'm attributing this seeming laise-faire attitude to her role as a guest and not a starring role in this Baby Baking process. She told me to "reduce my activity." Bitch, please. I sat on my ass all weekend and worked from my couch 2 days last week. What effing activity am I supposed to reduce? I prodded her until she suggested I cut my work hours by half (or work from home half-time) and get a Fetal Fibronectin test with our regular OB on Thursday. This test will predict my chances of giving birth in the next two weeks. 2 WEEKS! Oh hellz no. I'm having none of that.

So, until Thursday I'm sort of in limbo. I'm going to go into work tomorrow and make a plan with the Boss Man. I'm also going to lay like brocolli as much as humanly possible and think of every conceivable way I can reduce my activity.

While I lay here, I'll give you a nice 26 week update. Sorry no picture for now. My photographer, B, is out buying bedrest supplies...

How far along? 26 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself Saturday and I was 35 pounds. So I'm back up 5 pounds. I have no idea what's happening in that department...
Maternity clothes? All maternity
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Not as good. That effing hip pain is kicking my ass
Movement: A LOT. And I freaking love it.
Food cravings: Anything. Usually whatever I see on tv.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: So I have braxton hix contractions every time I stand up.

What I miss: Getting off the couch without it taking an act of Congress.
What I am looking forward to: My doctor's appointment on Thursday. I NEED ANSWERS

Milestones: Our cribs came! Finishing our baby class! Um...bedrest?

The Enforcer

My husaband is "The Enforcer." But really? He's a freaking rock star in the husbandly department. Allow me to elaborate!

In a likely futile effort to stave off bed rest or Pre-Term Labor, we're doing "pre-emptive bedrest." This is something B has been on me about since the scary belly pulling incident 3 weeks ago. It has not been put into place by our doctor. It is "Bedrest according to B" and it's sort of like Dr. Luke on crack cocaine. Basically, I lay around like a fat slob as much as possible. And when I'm not laying around, I'm sitting.

I'm allowed to do a few household chores here and there but nothing that involves lifting or bending. I still clean the kitchen and put things away. I feed & water our dog when B's not around- otherwise, he does it (he says it's too much bending over).

And here's where B is a rockstar. My lack of helpfulness leaves a vacuum in the household chores. A vacuum B has had to fill. Not only has he done so graciously, he has been working like a madman on our house. He spent the entire day yesterday painting our master bedroom (no small task when he had to paint all the trim too. And when your house is 115 years old, there is A LOT of trim), installing a new doorbell, and putting in smoke detectors. Last weekend was basically the same. And he does it all without complaint.

So, while I get frustrated being on the couch, not helping, I'm infinitely grateful that I hitched my wagon to a freaking great man. He was worth the wait. All 27 years of it. I can only hope our children find the kind of relationship he and I have. I'm so stinkin blessed I can't stand it.