Wideassness

I've got a case of wideassness.  For realz.  

If Dr. Drew had a show about breaking an addiction to cheese and anything fried, I would totally be the patient sneaking a pound of fried mozzarella sticks and macaroni & cheese into the house between my butt cheeks.  Then all my housemates would be hanging out, munching on carrot sticks and somebody would say, "Do you smell that?" And then they would all find me sitting in a corner with a brick of Velveeta on my face.

This is both an excuse and an update on the following items:

1.  No Belly Pics- I'm technically too early to show at 8 weeks but Man! Have I got a Buddha Belly!  I have actually started to compare myself to belly pics I can find and Holy Bella Band! And then my head explodes...

2. I feel gross and it's completely eclipsing this beautiful baby experience

So, I know all of my energy is supposed to be on growing not 1, but 2 healthy babies.  And trust me, this is definitely an area where I am not effing around.  I finally figured out the secret to battling morning sickness is to eat.   And eat constantly. Now, my friends these babies scoff at your celery sticks and salads.  They turn up their little noses at any mention of carrots.  That's right.  They want salt and cheese and rich, tasty, heavy foods! NOM NOM NOM

B has been.... helpful.  Okay, that's a complete lie.  But he's trying, bless his Broken Man Brain.  I complain to him about how fat I'm getting and how my arms look like 2 giant sausages.  And he tries to tell me how I need to get up and go for walks 3 times a day and eat carrots.  Not. Helpful.  I can barely make it through 4 hours without having an attack of narcolepsy, much less go for a walk!

Have I mentioned I don't know how much weight I've gained?  Our scale is still packed and for all I care, it can stay there.  

Have I mentioned I can't tell if I've got cramps or it's just my panties carving a road to Calcutta in my stomach and sides?

Have I mentioned I love, love, love being pregnant? But I am effing horrified at the prospect of not losing this weight after babies are here.

So, just to make sure I have the longest.effing.post.ever, here is my pregnancy update:

(I realized this is like a requirement of Moms to Be and I have been a dismal failure)

How far along? 8 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: No idea.  My scale went out for icecream and isn't coming back
Maternity clothes? Nope. Just my fat clothes.
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: Bring it! Can't get enough!
Best moment this week: Figuring out how to thwart Morning Sickness! Stomach! I avenge thee!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Anything cheese and anything fried.  Mmmmm....fried cheese
Gender: Nobody Knows
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Having energy to kick some ass! Okay, I just miss the energy to function for several hours without needing a nap.  And cocktails!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound on Thursday!
Weekly Wisdom: Virgin Bloody Mary's are my BFF! That's not really wisdom, but 

Milestones:  Can I put learning we're having TWINS??? I know that was like so 10 days ago, but I don't care.

Massage Gone Bad

So the place I work for tries really hard to reward our hard work.

Side Note: Hard work for me is taking a break from surfing perezhilton.com to (insert work task) for 5 minutes

So, they bring in this "massagers" - this is what they called them in the company email.  Hello?! They're called Masseuses! A "massager" is that scandalous contraption ladies keep in their night stand. In retrospect, this makes that email magical and amazing and not so moronic after all.  HA!

So, I go in for my little chair massage.  Please note- they have 2 people going at once so you're in there with a co-worker.  I whisper to the MASSAGER that I'm expecting (I don't know about these things! What if she went all Chuck Norris shiatsu on me?).  She says it's no big deal.  Yay!

Then...ahem... she starts to talk during my massage.  I HATE when massagers talk during massages.  Hello? I'm here to zone out.  But it gets worse.  She wants to talk about my pregnancy.  And my fellow worker-bee is like 2 feet away.  "I'm trying to be on the down low and you're asking me how many weeks I am?  STFU!"  

I didn't actually say this cause my Mama raised me right.  So I mumble "7 weeks."  Then she starts talking about vaginal discharge........

VAGINAL.

DISCHARGE.

Massage- Fail

Hold Onto Your Hats...

We're having TWINS.

I waited 2 days to post this because, well, I had to screw my head back on...

So, here's the story of how our world blew up:

Friday Morning I woke up with some spotting.  Freak out commenced despite all rational knowledge that this is NORMAL.  It's like there's the side of my brain that is rational and the side that is pregnant.  The pregnant side definitely hijacked the smarty pants side.

So, I call our RE and she nicely accommodates My Crazy by moving our appointment up from Tuesday. 

And then I burst into tears in the car as we drive to the RE because I KNOW something.is.wrong.  (Ahem- clearly my "maternal instinct" is more broken than Jon & Kate's marriage)

And then we go into the ultrasound room and THIS pops up on the screen:

(only right side up...OOPS!)

So after B almost passed out (truth) we realized this.is.happening.

Side note: We're not quite sure HOW this happened. Ultrasound monitoring revealed only 1 Contender Egg. It also revealed that said Egg was the only one released after the trigger.  So we hypothesize that Baby B's Egg was like, "I'm breaking out! I'm blowing this Ovary!" and snuck out a few days later.

Don't get me wrong.  We're over the moon excited.  And we're also scared shitless.  People do this all the time, right?  

Just Call me Unhelpful

B's parents are in town and have been over every day helping us settle into our new house.

MIL has been scrubbing every square inch of our kitchen and downstairs

FIL has been landscaping our back yard

B has been moving boxes from the garage and unpacking

I... have been sleeping or laying on any cushy surface I can find after working for about 30 minutes at a time. 

Not.Helpful.

Wanna DO IT?

True story:

B: Do you want to have sex while you're pregnant?

 

Me: Uh...yeah!

B: ::sighs in relief::

Me: Why do you ask?

B: This website I went to said I should ask.

ps. Said website was greatdad.com

pps. He's all mine ladies!

Click! Click! Click!

....that's the sound of all the shiz in my life clicking into place. It has been a busy week!

House- 13 months of searching, 11 offers, 5 contracts and we closed yesterday

CLICK!

Reproduction- Beta quadrupled Thursday.  241 to 1119. 

CLICK!

I'm so freaking blessed I can't hardly stand myself.  I think I have officially turned into one of those people I have always secretly hated.... That's right, people.  I'm a hater. Hollerrr!!

And for all you interested peoples out there in pregnancy symptoms- I basically am having none.  I pretty much feel crampy like I'm going to start my period any day (which does NOT inspire confidence in this uterus's ability to act as an incubator.  But I've heard it's normal). I also get a little vertigo in the mornings while I'm getting ready. And of course, I've got the PMS-like torpedo boobs.  Please reference entries right before May.

Grasping at straws, I could say I've developed an aversion to icecream sandwiches and I want salty foods.  The second part doesn't seem like a symptom since I always LOVE salty foods! Oh, and our car air freshener smells like doughnuts to me.  YUM! I've also been going to bed at 9 recently cause I'm tired like a MO FO.  That's it.

Have a great weekend! I'm a pregnant homeowner y'all!  CLICK!

I need a psychologist

I don't believe I'm pregnant. Seriously.

I had HCG bloodwork Monday (14dpo). The nurse called and said, "You're definitely pregnant."
(For you number-loving gals, my Beta was 241 and my Progesterone was 51)

I'm going in again tomorrow for another Beta.

I keep waiting for my bad luck to catch up to me. I wish I could be optimistic and enjoy being pregnant, but it's just not in the cards.... sigh....

Also, we've told our immediate families our good news. While this has been wonderful (I WANT TO TELL EVERYONE!), it makes me feel vulnerable. I keep thinking about how I'm going to have to call when I lose it.

Is this level of paranoia normal??? Any recommendations?