Should I Pack a Bag?

Damn you feeling of imminent doom and destruction.

I have a doctor's appointment at 1:30. Growth ultrasound (!), cervical check, and probably a fetal fibronectin (my third!) to see if I'm going to pop out these babies in the next 2 weeks.

As of this morning?

Contractions are under control- CHECK!

Buuuuut, I'm having a little trouble in the bowels. Seems this could be a sign of pre-term labor (read- DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!). It also interferes with my water drinkage as my stomach is a cesspool of gurgles and misery.

Also, I'm feeling a little pelvic pressure here and there (DOOOOOOOOOOM!)

My conundrum? To pack a hospital bag or not....hmmm....I think my little chant, "Long, strong cervix" may not have worked the magic I was hoping for.... Damn, Fuck, Shit, Piss

30 Weeks!

and 100 pounds later.... Okay, so maybe I'm prone to exaggeration, but everything on my person looks larger than life these days. The face, buttocks, thighs- big, bigger, and biggest. I think my jaw line is being kidnapped by pregnancy fatness. But I won't freak until I start developing stretch marks on my face. And why does my ass look like it's the same size as my monstrous belly? I demand an explanation!

Oh, and I think we may need to rethink the timing of my shower. This picture is shower- and makeup-free. Um, yeah...you almost got a headless belly picture this week. The Man Face is out in all its pregnant glory today!

How far along? 30 Weeks! Fuck yeah!
Total weight gain/loss: Saturday I was up 42 pounds. What happened to one pound/week in the third trimester???? I blame holiday overindulgence. Damn you pumpkin pie....
Maternity clothes? I'm pretty much in pajamas all day. See manly pudge picture for reference.
Stretch marks? This is my one redeeming, shining glory of vanity. I may have an ass the size of Mount Rushmore, but my belly is smooth and blemish-free
Sleep: Not so good. Some nights are better than others. The other night I could've sworn I had a contraction every time I rolled over. FML.
Movement: A hell of a lot. They actually make my stomach tender from all that punching, kicking, flipping, and tootsy-rolling
Food cravings: Anything at all. If it's close to my mouth, I will devour it in record time. Wait? Was I questioning where all these extra pounds are coming from? Maybe I'm in Grade-A Denial. Like those obese people who haven't been out of bed in years and swear they're eating healthy when in fact they just inhaled 5 Big Macs in a single breath.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: Contractions. All.the.time. I track them and I usually fall at 2-4 hour. When I inch up to 6-7, I pop a pill (Nifedipine for all you medical peeps out there)

What I miss: A lot. Freedom, shaving my own legs, feeling like pregnancy is a magical world of rainbows, puppies, and fertile fairies. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here's an abbreviated list of things I'm grateful for: I'm thankful for being pregnancy each day, my kick-ass husband, ridiculously amazing friends, family, and acquaintances (and seriously- I'm a terrible friend in comparison), being home for the holiday, sleeping in my own bed, and cuddling with my puppy.
What I am looking forward to: Getting through tomorrow's doctor's appointment and FFT results without landing my butt back in the hospital (fingers crossed)

Milestones: Getting into the thirties, Staying home for a week without giving birth. (On a side note- they have that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on tv in the hospital. I saw 3, yes 3, stories of women giving birth in the toilet)

Down...But Not Out

So, I've been out of commission for about a week. Allow me to explain-

Last Tuesday (11/17), I had a routine check-in with the doc. They examined my cervix and lo-and-behold, that sucker had shrunken down to 1.4cm and was 1 cm dilated.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

The lovely contraction monitor showed I was booming them out every 5 or so minutes and I had no.effing.clue.

So I was hospitalized. 7 days, 6 nights, 3 IV bags of fluids, numerous crying jags, and one horrible sleepover for B later and I was released. Yesterday, Day 7, they checked my cervix again. No change. And since they weren't giving me meds and I was able to start identifying my own contractions I was paroled.

So, here I am. 29 weeks, 1 day pregnant and at home on bed rest again. And I am scared sh*tless. While they weren't doing much for me at the hospital (no meds, monitoring was down to once a day) that I couldn't do at home, there was a lot of security in having medical staff present. I've been given a prescription for contractions as needed, up to every 4-6 hours. And as much as I like being home with B and as little as they were doing for me, I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake coming home.

I wish I could give more details. And eventually, I might. But this whole shrinking cervix, crazy contractions, and strict bedrest has left me a little listless. So, here's a 29 week update for you. Eventually, when I do my hair and put on makeup I'll take a picture.

How far along? 29 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: I actually don't know. I was up 37 pounds last Tuesday morning (lost 2 pounds in 1 day) and haven't weighed in since
Maternity clothes? Dur
Stretch marks? Still none. I got lots of compliments from the nursing staff.
Sleep: Muh. I had my first Ambien in el hospitolio and it is magical.
Movement: A lot! I'm getting beat up from the inside a little bit.
Food cravings: Anything that is not hospital food. I started to turn into a chicken quesadilla there since it was the only thing that wasn't gross.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: Yep. I love that last week I said none and I was having tons of contractions. I'm down to about 1-3 contractions an hour and the docs say that's good. I'm trying not to obsess about my cervix.

What I miss: Feeling confident about this pregnancy. It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when you're a big ball of freak and every pang must mean imminent disaster.
What I am looking forward to: Getting to Monday and 30 weeks. Having my parents get into town tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Going to my next doctor's appointment in a week.

Milestones: Learning what it's like to be in the hospital. And being in my last twenty-something week. Thirty feels like a big milestone.

28 Weeks!

I would like to dedicate this post to the phlebotomist at my OBGYN. I don't know her name but we have shared some truly intimate moments.

Moment 1- She took about a bucket of blood out of my arm. Said experience gave me a tingly numb feeling in my hand. After flexing my hand for a few second I realized I was fondling her right breast. Whoops.

Moment 2- She sidled up to me in a stool and stuck my knee in her crotch. That's right people, in.her.crotch. I take it the accidental fondling embarrassment did nothing to taint our special relationship.

How far along? 28 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 39 pounds. I would like to say this is due to water-weight but I'm not convinced. Even though I woke up in the middle of the night horrified by the sausage size of my fingers. I swear they weren't like that when I went to sleep. But then I see the size of my ass and I think, "Nah. That's all fat, Baby. All fat."
Maternity clothes? Maternity shmaternity
Stretch marks? Still none. Not even shiny skin
Sleep: The new enemy to my beauty slumber? Heart burn that's as fierce as a thousand firey STDs.
Movement: Yep. Dance babies, dance!
Food cravings: Anything that finds its way into my mouth with minimal effort from me sounds super tasty.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: Not really. Let's hope it stays that way.

What I miss: At the end of last week I would've said being around people but we've had a few visitors recently. Yay!
What I am looking forward to: Getting through another week!

Milestones: Um...passing my glucose test. Yeah...not a lot of impressive milestones to talk about this week.

Update Yo

Bed Rest continues... I believe we're on Day 9. To the left you'll see a picture of my typical view during the day. That's my work laptop and my daytime companion, Noah. He likes to lay across my feet and nap. Isn't he a cutie?!

I am such a freak sometimes. I don't know why I worried about the timing of my glucose beverage. I chugged that container of vile orangeness as I got in the car and the timing was perfect. The doctor got done fiddling around with my lady bits, I got dressed, and voila! The blood lady was right there waiting for me. It was like the planets aligned.

Oh yeah, and it's status quo in Lady Town. Babies look good and there's been no change in the cervix. Which I consider good. I have no expectation of a miraculous cervical recovery. And Doctor Man confirmed my suspicions. I'll be on bed rest until the babies can come out with no worries.

I also had to get a shot. Something to do with preventing my negative-type blood from possibly attacking the babies like a rebel force. And people- this shot (given in my ample posterior) hurt like hell. I couldn't help but think, "If I'm such a pansy that this shot hurts so much, how am I supposed to birth these babies???"

Results of the glucose test? Negatory for the diabeetus. FEED ME COOKIES! But I've got an iron deficiency and have to start taking extra supplements.

And, finally, here are some baby pics that are a week old. B finally figured out how to take the babes didn't look like dark blobs.

The first picture is of our Baby Boy.

He's positioned on the left side of my belly and is head down, facing my belly button.







This picture is of our Baby Girl. She's on the right side of my belly. She's breach and lying in a C-Shape with her back to my right side and facing the middle of my belly.

Project Baby Bake- 1 Week!

So Project Baby Bake has been going for one full week today. I'm celebrating by breaking out of this mo-fo and going for a joy ride! Okay, not really, but I get to leave today and go to the doctor (first time to leave the house in a week!). I'm actually super stoked.

But here is my perplexing situation:

Doctor's appointment at 2:10 to check the lady bits. While I'm there I have to do my glucose tolerance test. Oh yes. That's right. I have reached this seminal point (is seminal an inappropriate word to use here?) in my pregnancy where we have to find out if I have the diabeetus. Sadly, B cooked a bunch of cookies last night and left the remaining few out on the counter. I've had to walk past them every time I go to the bathroom or get something to eat today which has made me call out, "Satan! You tempter of the devil diabeetus! I will thwart thee!" I keep scaring the dog but it's kept me from eating those suckers before my test today.

Oh yeah, so back to my predicament.

I can't figure out when to drink my glucose drink. It says one hour before your test. Well...my doctor's appointment is at 2:10 and I know I'm not supposed to be lolly-gagging around there when we gots to let the cervix nap. So, I'm trying to get this timing thing down and it's not working out so well. Hmmm.. I'll let you know how it turns out.

27 Weeks!

So, you didn't get a 26 week picture. Oops! I think I was so busy digesting bed rest news that taking a picture kept getting the back seat. This week's picture, I'm afraid, is no thing of beauty. It's all grainy and I look like I'm from some horror movie and I'm going to come kill you in your sleep.

But, anyhoo! 27 weeks!

At this point, every day is a victory and every week is a battle won!

How far along? 27 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I'm up 37 pounds. When will I stop gaining weight at an alarming speed? Somebody tell me! But I figure, I've got a lifetime to lose the weight and the babies only have 3 months to gain.
Maternity clothes? All maternity during the day (bed rest gurus say you should get dressed every morning. I think it helps!) and pajama pants & B's t-shirts at night.
Stretch marks? Nope but my skin is looking "shiny." Is "shiny" stretch mark's little brother? I think yes...
Sleep: I'm still having bad hip pain. I think bed rest is making this worse as going for walks was helping this out a lot.
Movement: I think the babes are filming an aerobic video in my ute. And I'm pretty sure I observed my first fetal tussle the other day. All I know is that all hell broke loose around my belly button the other day and it was DEFINITELY coming from both sides.
Food cravings: I just want to eat. I don't care what it is.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: The braxton hixes (is that plural? whatev) have really lightened up. I don't know if my horizontal position is helping out with this or it's the Cramp Bark I'm taking or what. But I like it.

What I miss: Leaving the house, helping around the house, leaving the house, and leaving the house
What I am looking forward to: My doctor's appointment on Thursday. I get to leave the house! Yay!

Milestones: The cribs are assembled! And the babies are about 2 pounds each (Baby Girl is 1lb 14 oz, Baby Boy is 2lb, 1oz)

B's update: So, I figured since I lay around all day, I'd provide a list of things B has done over the week. Here goes: Assembled 2 cribs, put in porch light fixture, installed closet shelves, raked & cleaned the yard, hung living room curtains, cooked, cleaned, and took care of the dog.

Project Baby Bake- Day 3

We're into Day 3 of Project Baby Bake. Here's a quick rundown of the past few days:

Wednesday: Woke up crying, went to work and tele-stalked my doctor until we finally connected at about 4pm. I hollered, "I'm 2 centimeters! Help me!" into the phone. He seemed surprised and said El Doctor Especialto always lets him know when something bad is going down in lady town. Hm...not this time, apparently. He laid out a little sketch of a plan for me-

Bed Rest for a minimum of 2 weeks. No going into work. I'm allowed to go up and down the stairs of our house once/day. I'm allowed to work from home. He would run an FFT on me and if it came back positive, we'd be looking at a little time at el hospitolio.

The rest of Wednesday was spent with me prepping to work from home and crying into the sofa cushions...Yeah...I'm tragic.

Thursday: Day 1 of Project Baby Bake. Not so bad actually. It took me forever to get downstairs and start working because I was terrified I would leave something critical upstairs. B cooked me a huge breakfast and made a ton of hard boiled eggs for me. (FYI- eating 6 eggs in one day when you don't usually do this is HELL on the bowels. Just say no.). Went to the doctor- Valet parking! Holler!- and felt completely vindicated when the ultrasound lady was horrified by El Specialto's lack of response. THANK YOU! FFD test was done. Babies look kick-ass.

Friday: Day 2 of Project Baby Bake. A little less interesting than Thursday. I started to get lonely at about 4pm. Oh, and Bed Rest was interrupted by many bathroom runs thanks to my egg overdose. FFD results came in just under the wire at 4:40pm. NEGATORY! That's right bitchez. There's a 99% chance these babies will be in utero for at least 14 more days.

Today: Day 3. I stayed upstairs in bed for as long as possible since I usually spend the day on the sofa. I decided it was important to take advantage of alternative scenery while it was available. Meanwhile, B is running around like a maniac. So far today he has cooked me breakfast, raked our yard, picked up dog poop, scrubbed the bathroom & kitchen, and left to go to Ace Hardware, the Library, and Target. Ah...my man...

Son of a.....!!!!

So, I know I'm supposed to be writing a 26 week update. Yay! 26 weeks yesterday!!!

Unfortunately, all I can think of is that the bitch known as Bedrest has come to town. And she's a good 9 weeks early.

I just got back from El Doctor Specialisto who was put in charge of examining this little bright spot on Baby Boy's belly identified during my 20 week visit. This, by the way, was completely uneventful and underwhelming. There is nothing special about Baby Boy's belly calcification. What was special is the size of my cervix. 2 centimeters. That's right....2

I'm no dummy. I read other people's blogs. I read blogs of Moms of Multiples and how they're put on strict bedrest when their cervixes are 2.7 and 2.4 centimenters. I would kill for an extra two-fifths of a centimeter right bout now. Mother clucker.

So el doctor specialisto seemed reluctant to put me on bedrest. I'm attributing this seeming laise-faire attitude to her role as a guest and not a starring role in this Baby Baking process. She told me to "reduce my activity." Bitch, please. I sat on my ass all weekend and worked from my couch 2 days last week. What effing activity am I supposed to reduce? I prodded her until she suggested I cut my work hours by half (or work from home half-time) and get a Fetal Fibronectin test with our regular OB on Thursday. This test will predict my chances of giving birth in the next two weeks. 2 WEEKS! Oh hellz no. I'm having none of that.

So, until Thursday I'm sort of in limbo. I'm going to go into work tomorrow and make a plan with the Boss Man. I'm also going to lay like brocolli as much as humanly possible and think of every conceivable way I can reduce my activity.

While I lay here, I'll give you a nice 26 week update. Sorry no picture for now. My photographer, B, is out buying bedrest supplies...

How far along? 26 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself Saturday and I was 35 pounds. So I'm back up 5 pounds. I have no idea what's happening in that department...
Maternity clothes? All maternity
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Not as good. That effing hip pain is kicking my ass
Movement: A LOT. And I freaking love it.
Food cravings: Anything. Usually whatever I see on tv.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: So I have braxton hix contractions every time I stand up.

What I miss: Getting off the couch without it taking an act of Congress.
What I am looking forward to: My doctor's appointment on Thursday. I NEED ANSWERS

Milestones: Our cribs came! Finishing our baby class! Um...bedrest?

The Enforcer

My husaband is "The Enforcer." But really? He's a freaking rock star in the husbandly department. Allow me to elaborate!

In a likely futile effort to stave off bed rest or Pre-Term Labor, we're doing "pre-emptive bedrest." This is something B has been on me about since the scary belly pulling incident 3 weeks ago. It has not been put into place by our doctor. It is "Bedrest according to B" and it's sort of like Dr. Luke on crack cocaine. Basically, I lay around like a fat slob as much as possible. And when I'm not laying around, I'm sitting.

I'm allowed to do a few household chores here and there but nothing that involves lifting or bending. I still clean the kitchen and put things away. I feed & water our dog when B's not around- otherwise, he does it (he says it's too much bending over).

And here's where B is a rockstar. My lack of helpfulness leaves a vacuum in the household chores. A vacuum B has had to fill. Not only has he done so graciously, he has been working like a madman on our house. He spent the entire day yesterday painting our master bedroom (no small task when he had to paint all the trim too. And when your house is 115 years old, there is A LOT of trim), installing a new doorbell, and putting in smoke detectors. Last weekend was basically the same. And he does it all without complaint.

So, while I get frustrated being on the couch, not helping, I'm infinitely grateful that I hitched my wagon to a freaking great man. He was worth the wait. All 27 years of it. I can only hope our children find the kind of relationship he and I have. I'm so stinkin blessed I can't stand it.

Give me a 35!

35 is now my magic number. I must, must, must make it to 35 weeks (which is 10 weeks away).

The reasons are 3-fold:

1. Healthy babies (dur)

2. At 35 weeks, I meet my 1 year of employment. IF (and that's one whopping IF) I make it to 35 weeks without going on any kind of disability (read- bedrest where I can't work from home), then I get the first 8 weeks of maternity leave paid at 100%. 100 percent suckas!

3. If I give birth before the end of the year then I get bent over by insurance. Allow me to explain this shitstorm. We're changing insurance carriers effective Jan 1. IF these little nuggets of love decide to make their debut at the end of this year and we end up in the hospital in 2009 AND 2010, we'll get hit with hospital co-pays by BOTH insurance companies- and those are no small little co-pays my people. Yargh!

So, I'm going to cross my legs, hang upside down, do whatever is in my power to keep working & keep these babes in their happy utero home for another 10 weeks (and 1 day), which would be ideal.

25 Weeks!

I think late is on time when it comes to blogging, yes?

Actually, I have a good reason to be late. B & I went to our first baby class last night. The 3 hours were focused on pregnancy with an emphasis on all the things that can go wrong. I have a feeling bed rest is imminent. The 3 hour finale was a video of baby births. Holy gross bodily functions! I'm feeling like a c-section wouldn't be so bad after all (this from Miss "I want it natural like a bowl of granola"). And I'm not going go into all the ladies who were giving birth totally booty-ass naked. Really? I'm not giving birth with my bewbs. They can stay locked away. Only the necessary bits will be on display and that's still A LOT of me for my taste.

How far along? 25 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself Saturday and I was 30 pounds. So that's down 3 pounds from last week. I'm not doing anything differently but 2 weeks ago I went on a pastry bender...So, don't worry, I'm sure the scale will continue to go up, up, and away!
Maternity clothes? All maternity- durrr
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Still okay. I'm still feeling babies galore when I wake up.
Movement: A LOT. And I freaking love it.
Food cravings: So I'm not sure I have food cravings. I want whatever's in front of me. The saltier and more taboo, the better.
Gender: A boy and a girl
Labor Signs: None this week. Let's keep it up

What I miss: Drinking- I want rum in my cider!
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery done- We're getting close!

Milestones: Buying cribs, going to baby class

Babies, Babies, and.... Babies?

So I'm turning into that person. I have to make a conscious effort to NOT talk babies all.the.time. Fuck. I hate people like me.

I went to lunch with my two BFFs from my last job (a monthly ritual that's been on hold for about 2 months due to one friend having a baby). So, we've got pregnormous me, newly mommed out friend, and friend with her live-in BF (no ring, no baby). I was like, "Shit. Baby talk is going to take over this lunch and that's a super shitty thing to do."

So, I made a list- A LIST- of non-baby topics to talk about. Like the story where this girl in Spain made out with a random guy at a bar and ended up with corpse maggets on her lip, the nurse who ate her foot skin during meetings, my brother-in-law's batshitcrazy girlfriend, the UA I took at work this week when they gave me a broken cup and pee went all over me & the bathroom floor and I had to sit there for another hour percolating the ole bladder in pee clothes while the tech scrubbed the bathroom floor.

Damn. I've got some good stories. But these days all I end up talking about are my braxton-hix contractions, the size of my belly, the size of my ass, the nursery color, paint, furniture, and our multiples class that starts Monday....

I guess (as my doctor is saying to me a lot these days), it only gets worse. Pretty soon I'll be on Baby House Arrest and I'll only talk about breast milk, baby bowel movements, and sleep schedules. What an effing snoozefest I'll be....

24 Weeks!....and then some

Also known as, I've got a basketball-sized belly full of babies. (Don't you just luuuurv aliteration?)

So I've officially reached basketball status! And I made it to 24 weeks (Viability) which feels like a huge relief. Although we've got 14 weeks to go. Take a look at my belly and let that sink in. 14 weeks..... um, yeah...

Speaking of Viability, I was thinking of Monday as V-Day. There are a lot of fun V-words out there- Virility, Virginity, Veneral.

Sorry for the delay in an update. I've got no excuses...

How far along? 24 weeks, 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself today and I was 33 pounds up. Do the math and that's five pounds in 1 week!
Maternity clothes? If you think I can wear regular clothes you may just need your head examined.
Stretch marks? Nope! Miracles do happen!
Sleep: Improved. Although when I wake up in the middle of the night I can feel the babies partying it up.
Movement: Have I talked about how we can see movement now? A co-worker actually saw a little "pop" through my shirt the other day, which feels like an overshare.
Food cravings: I still love warm cookies the way I love reality tv- A LOT. And I love hot mulled cider even more. Put the two together and you have a recipe for Heaven.
Gender: A boy and a girl- durr
Labor Signs: This section deserves a novel-sized recap of my week, so we'll cover that below

What I miss: Rum, Flexibility, Being able to help around the house
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery done!

Milestones: Buying nursery furniture, Going to the hospital for the first time, Getting to 24 weeks SUCKAS!

And now a tale of woe. I started feeling cramps on Friday. Braxton Hix? Maybe... What the hell do I know! I've never been pregnant. So I can't differentiate between bad pain and normal pain. I give the doctor a ring and his nurse says to get my ass to the hospital to rule out pre-term labor. So B leaves a training to come pick my rolly polly butt up from work and off we go to el hospitalio (I don't "technically" speak spanish but I think mine's pretty good huh?). Turns out nothing was wrong but it was good to get a dry-run in.

Ah...Sunday Morning

What I want is a cup of coffee and a lot of porch-sitting.

Instead I'm dragging B to go look at a glider I found on craigslist and then we're fixing lunch for family. Sigh....porch-sitting and coffee (decaf) will have to wait for Saturday...

Oh, and am I crazy to think we can fit a glider into our Passat? B thinks so....

23 Weeks!

Update: B got home from the game last night and my tale of abdominal woe triggered his Paternal Protector. B insisted I stay home from work today and not move from the couch. The doctor told me to take things easy but I'm not sure she had a "couch+Erica's butt = marriage" equation in mind. Anyhoo, B took work off today so that he could police said marriage and ensure that no more abdominal trauma took place.

Update: Babies are visible! If you watch my belly long enough you'll see little thumps from inside. Crazy wonderful!

Update: I researched (ahem, googled) our puppy's newfound love for me and found this is completely normal for a dog when its owner is with child. I also learned his new crazy thing- barking and growling at strangers who come to the door is part of this.

And, now what you've all been waiting for

How far along? 23 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself today and I was 28 pounds up. Yowsers!
Maternity clothes? If I'm not wearing maternity clothes, I'm wearing B's clothes.
Stretch marks? Nope!
Sleep: My little bro bought me a pregnant boppy. It's a big help but I still get hip discomfort
Movement: It is disco fever in my ute. I can now feel movement in 2 places at once!
Food cravings: warm cookies & cheese & salt
Gender: A boy AND a girl!
Labor Signs: I hope not. I don't think I have a clue about what a Labor Sign looks like....

What I miss: Rum
What I am looking forward to: Getting to 24 weeks. 1 week to go!

Milestones: Seeing young offspring bouncing around in my belly. Having my belly button in an "outy" position- WEIRD!

Round ligament pain

can kiss my dimply butt cheeks...

So I'm doing laundry which requires some bending and/or squatting. I bend over to lift a pile of dark, stinkedy clothing and HOLY BELLY TRAUMA! I feel like there's a stabbing pain in my stomach. Right in the middle underside of my belly (close to my cervix?). Well, that's a new one to me. Then I try squatting- And it comes back! That stabbing, tearing, evil pain from Hades right in my uterus.

"Hm...Methinks my body doth try to tell me something here" sayeth my faux-Shakespearean conscience. So, I call my mom. I talk to my wonderful midwife aunt who says it's probably round ligament pain & check my crotch. I check the undies for any sign of distress. All systems are go.

Fast forward 2 hours of my lying on the couch watching girly movies (Hellz yeah) and I start getting pain & aching on the left side of my abdomen.

So I call the on-call OBGYN (first time for this one). I did NOT cry on the phone which was a mighty triumph!!! She says it's round ligament pain but to stay on panty watch and call if anything unseemly starts to happen down under.

I feel like there should be a tutorial about round ligament pain.

Pregnancy is one scary mo fo when it's not a magical ride of hormones and cheeseburgers.

Oh, and my puppy is curled up next to me on the couch snoring away while B is at a football game. Amazing how an animal can provide infinite comfort...

22 Week Picture

Or- Do I look pregnant? Really? Do tell....

Sorry, a co-worker called me "Big Lady" today and I almost threw a doughnut at her. I have also been called "Plump One" and had numerous people say, "Wow! You're big!" to me. I'm over.it. I might have to get a t-shirt that says something clever. Like "this belly is big but your brain is small." Or "I'm here. I'm big. Get over it." Or "F*ck off. I'm pregnant." That's not really clever but more hostile.

How far along? 22 weeks (and 2 days)
Total weight gain/loss: I don't know for sure but at least 25 pounds. I'm not weighing myself...
Maternity clothes? All maternity, All Day, Every Day
Stretch marks? Still none. That is unless they are under my belly. I haven't seen that area of my body in weeks...
Sleep: Muh. I'm not running to the bathroom at night which is a nice relief. But the hip pain persists like a bitch.
Movement: Yes indeedly doo
Food cravings: I could eat pizza every day and be happy.
Gender: A boy AND a girl!
Labor Signs: None. And this ute better not get any ideas...

What I miss: Feeling cute :(
What I am looking forward to: Getting to 24 weeks

Milestones: Having a stranger ask me when I'm due. Of course, when I told her, her eyes got really big. Then I told her I was having twins and she said, "Oh, thank God." Yeah...see the beginning of my post.

21 Weeks!

Or - "Are you about to give birth?"

These are the last words people utter before I sit on them and pass my pregnancy-related gas. And FYI people, I don't get to a standing position too easily these days....Bwahahaha!

Please note how our puppy is strategically sitting right where he can block the scary size of my bedunkadunk. We must figure out how to make this happen every week....

How far along? 21 weeks (and 2 days)
Total weight gain/loss: plus 25 pounds! Aren't you glad you're reading this and you don't have to pretend this is okay to my face?
Maternity clothes? All maternity all the time! FYI- I went shopping for some maternity clothes and I caught the saleswomen high-fiving.
Stretch marks? No! My skin is super stretchy!
Sleep: It's complete crap. I really need a special pillow or maybe synthetic hips. I think the pillow is easier to get and less expensive!
Movement: Yep! These babes like to come to life in the evening. Tonight they were dancing to the music on "So You Think You Can Dance." They actually seemed to have rhythm.
Food cravings: Cheese. And cheese. And icecream. And cheese. And pastries. And cheese. And cheeseburgers. And buttery things.
Gender: A boy AND a girl!
Labor Signs: Nope. This uterus is on lock-down sayeth me.

What I miss: Not having back pain and not having such a large bedunkadunk
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery done. Will it ever happen? Stay tuned...

Milestones: They almost weigh a pound each! 11 ounces each (and this was 1 week ago. Grow babies! Grow!)

The Name Game

Just say no to telling people your prospective baby names!

B & I have been talking baby names since we were "cereal" about each other. We knew we were going to get married. We just knew we were going to have babies (we didn't realize this was going to prove to be the challenge it initially did). And we KNEW our babies were going to have totally kick-ass names!

Fast forward to actual fertilization and a BFP. B & I agreed- we were NOT going to tell people our baby names. We didn't want the unsolicited advice, the weird faces, the people poo-pooing our awesome names (Cause what did they know anyway? And I'm sorry a person with that same name was a whore at your college, stole your lunch money, farted on you in front of everyone...).

We were going strong until 2 weeks ago. B had a few too many beers and spilled the beans to his parents. Their reaction? I think it was a non-reaction... Like, "Oh...okay. That's cool....so, how's your grass growing?" So to make things equitable, I told my parents this week. Uh- open flood gates of unwelcome opinion. Fuck.

First reaction- crickets
My reaction- "THIS is why we weren't telling anybody!"
Their reaction (they like to be on the phone at the same time)- "Uh, we're not used to it. We're letting it sink in." (I call the Bull Shit police)
My reaction- Proceed justifying how we chose our names....(isn't that shitty?)

Fast forward to yesterday and a call from the moms

Mom- "I was thinking about your baby names. How about [girl name]?" (this name starts with the same letter as our favorite boy name)
Me- 'Thanks Mom, but we're staying away from anything matchy and that includes names that start with the same letter."
Mom- "I don't think it's matchy."
Me- "It starts with the same letter. That's too matchy and cute. Sorry."
Mom- "I was thinking about your other boy name. It's really nice but I'm afraid he'll get beat up because of it."
Me- (This is where, in my head, I jump through the phone lines and knock her over the head with a Baby Name book). Instead- "That's not going to happen. It's in the same family as lots of other popular boy names right now." (see how I'm justifying again? SHIT)
Mom- "Oh, I didn't realize that..... so how about [insert girl's name]?
Me- "We'll see..."
Mom- "Well, I really like [girl's name]
Me- "You'll always be able to like it. I won't take that away from you."
Mom- "Um...okay."

So, people feel like they are entitled to tell you what they think of your chosen baby's names. Hi- we're not in the "thinking about it" stage. We have chosen 2 top names and we're going to finalize it after they're born. And then you end up defending a choice you agonized over, researched, etc. This decision is pretty personal and I don't think people get it.

Moral of the story: Keep your mouth shut! Unless of course, you're a patient person (I'm not) and don't get annoyed easily (read- NOT ME). The.End.

Babies Galore!

So we had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday and the babies are GREAT! I keep telling myself to take a lude and calm down because they grow right along without help from my worrying. The lack of movement? Yeah...those little suckers completely changed positions so they are now sideways on top of each other. The heads are on my right side and the feet are on the left. So, I was totally wrong in judging their positions & degree of dance magic.

Babes are both 11 ounces each (up 5 oz each from 3 weeks ago- Holy growth spurt!) and look good and strong. Also, we saw a lot of movement, including what looked like a smooch from brother to sister on her head (until she pushed him away). Go ahead, I know you want to let out a big sigh of cheesetastic pleasure- "Awwww."

And now out of my maternal duties, I will subject you to many photos of them (I actually limited it to 2 because I got frustrated with my camera and I'm late to work). But there will be more to come. Bwahahahaha!

So because I'm so technologically disabled I can't figure out how to turn the pictures, I'll give an explanation. Also, who couldn't use a little neck workout every now and then??? Baby Girl H is on the top (and the picture is upside down) & Baby Boy H is on the bottom.

20 Weeks!

So, we're more than half-way there and I am quite the rolly polly! Noah the Dog has made it his mission to show me up with his fuzzy beauty in my weekly pictures.

How far along? 20 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I'll weigh in tomorrow at the doctor's.
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants and a bunch of non-maternity shirts that will never be the same. Behold my sad, stretched out sweater on the left.
Stretch marks? No! Triumph!
Sleep: Good and bad. More bad than good these days. I'm going to have to give in and buy one of those crazy snoogle pillows.
Movement: Yes. But only on the left side. I'm trying to keep it together and not have an aneurysm because there's little to nothing on the right side. Sigh...
Food cravings: Fruit and cheese. Oh, and I HAD to have cake this week. This resulted in a batch of cupcakes that were enjoyed by all!
Gender: A boy AND a girl!
Labor Signs: None and my ute better not get any crazy ideas....

What I miss: Moving around like a spry 31 year-old. Did I tell you filing+ pregnant belly + back pain = me stuck on the floor of our file room. Uh.... yeah....
What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound tomorrow so I can stop freaking out about our baby girl's lack of movement.

Milestones: Getting our nursery walls painted (pictures to come)

I'm Going to Ask the Dirty Question

How do pregnant women maintain the nether regions?

I can't quite see my special bits anymore without a few creative bendy poses yoga-style. And let me tell you, Pals, when you're in the shower and your center of gravity is on the tea-cup ride, this is a risky move.

Do all pregnant women give birth with the bits uh.... native-style?

Happy Anniversary!

2 years ago was a freakin great day!

And now for a photo montage!

To my Husband, my BFF- You rule my world. I wouldn't want to go on this crazy ride with anyone else. Thank you for saying, "Bless you" when I sneeze in the middle of the night, picking up dog poops, picking up my mood when I need it, feeding me icecream, dancing. Thank you for being you!

19 Weeks Yo!

So, we're half-way there! Noah the Dog wanted to be in the picture again! Aw...isn't he photogenic?

How far along? 19 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I don't know. I'm in denial. But I know it's more than 20 pounds. Younks.
Maternity clothes? Still just maternity pants. I need to buy maternity shirts soon. The non-maternity shirts I've been wearing will never be the same.
Stretch marks? Nope! Bwahahahaha!
Sleep: Not so bad, really. Sleeping on my body pillow helps but rolling over is getting harder and harder.
Movement: That weird pressure? Definitely babies!!!! Holler!
Food cravings: Nope. I just crave food in general. Feed me
Gender: A boy AND a girl!
Labor Signs: None and it better stay that way.

What I miss: Having a back that doesn't hurt. Those were the good ole days....
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery done and choosing cribs. Someday....

Milestones: Movement! Even Brendan felt them but he was disappointed that it just felt like gas to him. And being half-way there!!!

Forest Fire - Red Level Alert

These thundah thighs are going to start a fire from all the friction in between!

So, I know I should be all la, la, la, I love being round and fruitful...but frankly, I'm distracted by the jello jiggle in my pants, in my shirt, on my back, yeah...everywhere. These thighs are rubbing together in a whole new way. My pregnancy wonderment looks something like this:

Me: Aw...I love my round baby belly. I love my babies. Wait? What's that sound? Oh, it's the sound of my pants ripping. It's the sound of the Earth crying under my feet. Crap.

I have developed muffin tops all over my body. In fact, B pointed to my shirt the other day and said, "Uh...what is that? I think you need new clothes."I feel like this would be a whole different ballgame were I about to burst forth 2 bouncing babes into the world. Instead, I am halfway there. YAY! HALFWAY THERE! And...Yikes! Halfway there? How big is this 5'2" body going to get? It's time for an intervention. Walking? Swimming? Yoga? I'm there.

18 Week Picture!

So here's another bee-u-tee-ful picture of yours truly. This is post-shower with no makeup or hair blow dry. You'll see our dog, Noah, really wanted to be in this week's picture.

So I'm starting to get a lot of comments on my belly. I am trying to enjoy this cute bump period before the bump becomes ginormous. Like the boulders that fall off the mountain and crush your car. In a few weeks, I'll be carrying that boulder on my torso...

How far along? 18 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Don't judge- 20 Pounds!!! Holy Hostess! And looking at this week's picture- boy does it show!
Maternity clothes? Still just maternity pants. But I'm getting closer and closer to the maternity shirts.
Stretch marks? My rear may be the size of Texas, but I have zero stretchies!
Sleep: Better than before. I'm sleeping half on my body pillow. This seems to help a lot. They need a question on here about back pain. I've never had it til the procreation fairy came to town and wowsa!
Movement: I think so. It's no fluttery, bubbly movement. I just feel a weird pressure from inside that comes and goes? Is this a baby? Or did I swallow an alien?
Food cravings: Nothing really. Sometimes fruit....
Gender: A boy AND a girl! Holler!
Labor Signs: None and it better stay that way.

What I miss: Moving like a regular person instead of a rotund geriatric. I counted myself lucky to tie my shoes the other day.
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery done. We're having a bit of a color crisis.

Milestones: Finding out the babies' sexes! Duh! And a far second is buying our first baby purchase. The Kolcraft Contours Tandem Stroller mentioned below.

The Verdict is In...The Babies have Bits!

This ute is a Variety Pack!

Baby A is a BOY!!!!
Baby B is a GIRL!!!

We've got the best of both worlds and can't believe our blessings! Let the naming, nursery decorating, and shopping commence....

17 Week Picture

...1 day late. I am nothing if not horrible at keeping up my blog.

So, let me take you through what taking a belly picture looks like. B makes every effort to take crap pictures of me until I start growling at him and God for cursing me with a Man Face. Voila! Your 17 Week belly pic and my "mad face." Watch out Babies! If you make me mad you will behold this lovely expression!

And if you don't think I have a Man Face, I will tell you. I did that Yearbook Yourself deal and holy testosterone! You could have just stuck my dad's face on any of those pictures and it looked like me. Yikes!

And now- Your 17 Week update!

How far along? 17 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Who knows? I'll find out tomorrow at the doctor and pray they don't laugh maniacally at my weight gain.
Maternity clothes? All maternity pants. I think maternity shirts are imminent.
Stretch marks? Zero! For now!
Sleep: Sleep is better but still a puzzle. If it's not the mattress, it's my pillow. If it's not my pillow, it's allergies. If it's not allergies, it's time to go to the bathroom.
Movement: I'm not sure if the movement was real last week. Every time I thought I felt movement, I started to feel gas. So did loved ones in my vicinity.
Food cravings: I wanted a cheeseburger one night but that's about it.
Gender: Less than 24 HOURS until we know!!!
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Moving regularly and sleep
What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound (TOMORROW! WEEEE!)

Milestones: Realizing my belly button is starting to make its exit. It is freaking me out.

Behind the 8-Ball

So, apparently I should have a nursery done, furniture ordered, stroller ordered, etc.

What have I done thus far to ready the world for Thing 1 and Thing 2? Well, I ran screaming out of a Moms of Multiples sale a couple weeks ago (true story) when I realized I didn't know the difference between ANYTHING baby-related. I also stalked a mother of infant twins in the grocery store and accidentally vandalize a stroller at Target while trying to figure out if it took 2 infant seats. I already feel like a complete failure in the maternal department.

I don't even eat well or exercise....Huh.... FAIL

But I did give into the pressure and after much internet-shoppage decided on a stroller (I think)

Behold! The Kolcraft Contours Something or Other!Apparently, all twin stroller weigh about a ton, which is fine. I'll pant and sweat all over my offspring in the name of good mothering and postnatal weightloss.

I'm Going to Cut a B*tch

...if I don't get a McDonald's quarter pounder soon. (I usually think McDonald's is gross to provide a little pre-hormone storm perspective)

But there's a chance I'm going to fall asleep before the cheeseburger can become a reality....

16 Weeks!...AND a Picture!

So, I'm posting my FIRST Belly Picture! Also known as the first of many pictures that will make you feel beautiful in comparison to my pregnant non-glow. I realize this is a complete disservice to all family members and the Babies Hanlon, but my time machine broke. Oh well.... Also, you may THINK I'm sticking out my belly, but this is actually an optical illusion. My behind has grown at almost the same rate as the belly! You can call me Booty Back Front.


How far along? 16 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: + A lot. Those men could carry me on their heads during "The Strongest Man" competitions. Right after they roll a semi-truck tire...
Maternity clothes? All maternity pants and my FIRST REAL Maternity Shirt! Woot!
Stretch marks? Still none! Triumph!
Sleep: See story below. Much improved!
Movement: i think i felt a baby move this week...
Food cravings: Anything you're eating looks good. Do you want that?
Gender: Still unknown and it will be for the next 10 days...le sigh...
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Bending over like a normal person. Getting up from sitting like a normal person.
What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound (moved to 9/2- Bah!)

Milestones: Thinking I felt a baby move! Maybe! (But I still think it could've been gas)

Updates from the Past 5 Days!

These are things that won't fit in my weekly updates and since I've sucked so hard at doing those lately, this is a little addendum. And for realz, I got all confused writing my 15 week update when I'm almost at 16 weeks. = My punishment for being a slack ass

* I GOT STUCK IN THE BED. Wednesday night I got stuck on my right side. I've been waking up multiple times a night when my sides hurt and then I roll over until I wake up cause that side hurts like a b*tch. But not so, Wednesday. I woke up cause my right side hurt like a mother and I couldn't.move. If I tried to roll forward or backward it felt like my ute was going to tear apart. So, my whimpering woke up B who was like, "What the??" And I cried, "I can't move...boo hoo" (only in a really sad, pathetic, sleep voice). So B had to lift me up and flip me over. Which then woke up the dog who decided he needed to go out. Moral of the story- We bought a memory foam topper that very night. Yay!

* MY FAMILY CAME IN TOWN. My dad hasn't seen me since I got KTFU and mom hasn't seen me for 6 weeks. There was much oohing and aahing over my wondrous belly. Of additional note was my dad reading our ultrasound pictures like they were Rorschach ink blots or tea leaves. "Baby B is a genius, I can tell. And Baby A is calm and looks like you. He has your cheekbones." Um....okay, Crazy. Now read my palm!

* AAAAND.......i think i felt a baby move this week... i'm not sure... it may have been gas, but i'm hoping...Shhhhh

15 Weeks!

Also known as- I suck at Blogging

So we're less than 24 hours away from 16 weeks and I still haven't written about Week 15. Plus, not a single bump picture has been taken to document my wondrous fertile journey. Bah! 50 lashings for me!

How far along? 15 weeks (and 5 days!)
Total weight gain/loss: I'm gauging my weight by the stars like the sailors of yore. I guess I am up 20 stone.
Maternity clothes? All maternity pants all the time! Too bad I'm a total shorty and they flop all over the floor. Pretty soon I'll look like a castaway with my raw pant hems.
Stretch marks? Not yet. So far the pregnant belly oil, courtesy of my friend, Melinda, rules! On a side note- my belly is the only part of my body NOT dry and flaking like a pastry. Gross, but true....Apparently pregnancy makes your skin crazy dry? *
Sleep: Sucks a big one! My bed completely sucks!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Still beef! Salty ground beef to be specific!
Gender: I still suspect one of each!
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: SUSHI!
What I am looking forward to: Seeing my parents this week (FYI- They came in last Wednesday, but I'm writing this like it was last Monday)

Milestones: People commenting on my cute pregnancy belly. Plus, feeling like I can flaunt it. I am totally whoring out this bump.

* BE WARNED, NASTY STORY COMING: This makes me think of a story I heard about a health nurse peeling her feet and eating the DEAD SKIN at work! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

14 Weeks (ahem..and 3 days)

I AM A SLACKASS

Actually, that's not true. I've just been a blogging slackass. After getting back from vacation at midnight on Saturday, I've been working almost non-stop. Non-stop working = suck = no blogging. Sorry folks!

So, here is your kick-ass 14 week update!

How far along? 14 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: My scale went out for icecream and isn't coming back
Maternity clothes? I bought my first pair of maternity pants! But this made me realize I need ALL maternity pants. I have been wearing them all week and after squeezing my fat ass into regular pants I'm sure I'm going to Incredible Hulk my way right out of them!
Stretch marks? Not yet. I'm rubbing this lovely pregnant belly oil all over every night.
Sleep: One thing I loved about vacation was napping every.day. But our crap mattress is starting to kill me so the sleep has been suffering. I'm like the Princess in the Pea
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Beef!
Gender: I have a feeling we're having a boy and a girl
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Having a cocktail on a patio, peeing a gallon of urine at one time
What I am looking forward to: Ultrasound 2 weeks away!

Milestones: "Popping." I went by a mirror and was like, "Woah! I've got a pregnant woman's belly!" It was totally kick-ass.

Watch out Beachgoers

This whale-woman is coming your way! I will be in the non-internetstratosphere for 1 week (yikes!). But when I get back, get ready for tales of a round, cellulitey woman terrorizing eastcoast beach bunnies.

ps.- Swimsuit shopping when you're 3 months pregnant is a really, really stupid thing to do.
pps.- I will be thinking of you and hoping for good things.

12 Weeks!

So I'm going to bite the bullet and post a picture (as soon as B gets home and can take one)

How far along? 12 weeks! Holler!
Total weight gain/loss: Up about 7 pounds. Yowsers!
Maternity clothes? My Bella Band has gone missing so I'm walking around with the old rubber-band-through-the hole. It actually works really well!
Stretch marks? Not yet!
Sleep: Can't get enough!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Not really. Although strawberries and sausage sound really good right now! Yum!... Eaten in sequence, not together...
Gender: Brand unknown
Labor Signs: None

What I miss: Having clothes that fit
What I am looking forward to: Looking pregnant instead of looking fat and unfortunate

Milestones: Our babies have faces! And look like babies!

Oh, burritos sound good right about now, too.... Hm..

And heeeeere are our unborn offspring! Complete with facial features!!!

I'm a hillbilly, so I can't figure out how to label the pictures or even get them to upload right side up.


On the left, you'll see Baby B's noggin and Baby A. That thing by his/her head is NOT a boy part, like my friend asked the other night (REALLY???) and is not an indication that I am giving birth to a unicorn. Baby A kept trying to suck its thumb, so that's a hand you see there.





On the right is Baby B up close and personal. Baby B was moving around a lot, which was super fun to watch!
Man, that's a big head.
Oh, and when I sent this picture to my parents, my dad said,
"He looks like you!" Um....okay Crazy.