Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I've got a case of wideassness.  For realz.  

If Dr. Drew had a show about breaking an addiction to cheese and anything fried, I would totally be the patient sneaking a pound of fried mozzarella sticks and macaroni & cheese into the house between my butt cheeks.  Then all my housemates would be hanging out, munching on carrot sticks and somebody would say, "Do you smell that?" And then they would all find me sitting in a corner with a brick of Velveeta on my face.

This is both an excuse and an update on the following items:

1.  No Belly Pics- I'm technically too early to show at 8 weeks but Man! Have I got a Buddha Belly!  I have actually started to compare myself to belly pics I can find and Holy Bella Band! And then my head explodes...

2. I feel gross and it's completely eclipsing this beautiful baby experience

So, I know all of my energy is supposed to be on growing not 1, but 2 healthy babies.  And trust me, this is definitely an area where I am not effing around.  I finally figured out the secret to battling morning sickness is to eat.   And eat constantly. Now, my friends these babies scoff at your celery sticks and salads.  They turn up their little noses at any mention of carrots.  That's right.  They want salt and cheese and rich, tasty, heavy foods! NOM NOM NOM

B has been.... helpful.  Okay, that's a complete lie.  But he's trying, bless his Broken Man Brain.  I complain to him about how fat I'm getting and how my arms look like 2 giant sausages.  And he tries to tell me how I need to get up and go for walks 3 times a day and eat carrots.  Not. Helpful.  I can barely make it through 4 hours without having an attack of narcolepsy, much less go for a walk!

Have I mentioned I don't know how much weight I've gained?  Our scale is still packed and for all I care, it can stay there.  

Have I mentioned I can't tell if I've got cramps or it's just my panties carving a road to Calcutta in my stomach and sides?

Have I mentioned I love, love, love being pregnant? But I am effing horrified at the prospect of not losing this weight after babies are here.

So, just to make sure I have the longest.effing.post.ever, here is my pregnancy update:
(I realized this is like a requirement of Moms to Be and I have been a dismal failure)

How far along? 8 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: No idea.  My scale went out for icecream and isn't coming back
Maternity clothes? Nope. Just my fat clothes.
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: Bring it! Can't get enough!
Best moment this week: Figuring out how to thwart Morning Sickness! Stomach! I avenge thee!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Anything cheese and anything fried.  Mmmmm....fried cheese
Gender: Nobody Knows
Labor Signs: None
What I miss: Having energy to kick some ass! Okay, I just miss the energy to function for several hours without needing a nap.  And cocktails!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound on Thursday!
Weekly Wisdom: Virgin Bloody Mary's are my BFF! That's not really wisdom, but 
Milestones:  Can I put learning we're having TWINS??? I know that was like so 10 days ago, but I don't care.

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